To anyone paying attention, it will be immediately clear that I have not been active on the blog for the better part of the past year. It has not been for lack of anything to say, or lack of desire to write, or a dwindling commitment to Waldorf education for our children. Thankfully, our dedication to Steiner philosophy has not changed and, if anything, has been strengthened by some of the challenges we have faced as a family this past year. But, it hasn’t been easy to carve out time and energy for pretty much anything aside from those things that must come first: my children, my husband, my home, and myself.

Just before my birthday in August, I had news that my much-loved step-mother had passed away.

It is a very complicated story and one that I won’t share here, but the circumstances of her death and the means in which I received the news were unusual and profoundly upsetting. Maralyn was a part of my life for 33 years and her love, kindness and support carried me throughout my sometimes difficult childhood and adolescence. It is likely that without her influence I might not be as determined as I am to provide my own children with a more traditional, values-based childhood. She provided an example worthy of imitation – and any mother grappling with living up to her own ideals knows that this is harder than it may seem.

‘Tears shed are healthy and must be released, but we must continue to look forward and not hold on to our sadness for too long.’

My sadness and the waves of loss I still feel when I think of Maralyn have sometimes cast a grey cloud over my demeanour and the process of grief is still ongoing. And yet, I am a mother to children who need me to be steady and strong, and so I am. I have not hidden from them that I am going through this experience, but I have tried very hard to show them that death is simply a natural part of life, and grief is a natural result of losing someone we love. Tears shed are healthy and must be released, but we must always look forward and not hold on to our sadness for too long. We explained Maralyn’s passing in the context of her soul “crossing the rainbow bridge”, where we each come from and return to at the end of each life cycle. That is what our family believe and that is how we have framed the experience for Master C and Little Man J.

Because I haven’t been back to Canada since having children, my boys never had the chance to meet Maralyn, so her loss isn’t as personal for them as it is for me, but they can see how her passing has affected me. I have been very mindful of how my grief may be affecting them and this is where self awareness and personal development comes in. They need to see me modelling healthy responses to grief and loss, and in knowing this, I have been gifted with something wonderful: I must release the darkness and let go. If it weren’t for them, I might wallow, I might let anger and sadness consume me. But I have not. Because of them, I accept my grief but I do not cling to it as I might have. This is the gift of self awareness and conscious parenting.

There have been other difficulties over the past 12 months that have resulted in a bit of a personal imbalance on my part as well, which can naturally tend to reach out and affect the rest of the family if I am not grounded in self awareness. A happy discovery along this path to Steiner education for our children has been the realisation that a commitment to personal development for parents and teachers alike is necessary – the awareness that raising children provides us with a dual responsibility/opportunity to learn and grow alongside them. In this fast-paced world in which we live, taking the time to look inward, to question one’s own habits and behaviours and what might be done to improve these, can be put to the back burner or ignored altogether when we are tired or over committed elsewhere. To know and truly believe that this kind of self reflection is not a luxury but a necessity has probably saved me these past few months.

‘If it weren’t for them, I might wallow, I might let anger and sadness consume me. But I have not. Because of them, I accept my grief but I do not cling to it as I might have.’

So, I have let a lot slide at home in regards to my ideals for a Waldorf-inspired home based pre-school. We haven’t done much in the way of nature crafts or storytelling with props. Circle time went out the window for pretty much the entire winter season. But I can proudly say that we still maintained a steady rhythm each week, we still managed to bake every Monday on Baking Day and we still managed to get outside for our Nature Walks most days. Storytelling was done with words and cuddles, not silks and figurines, but the kids would hardly have cared, I don’t think.

Our decision to move house to be local to our closest rural Steiner school, where Master C currently attends one day a week in the Pre-Kinder program, will still go ahead. Our shift will happen sometime between now and January, despite the fact that Big Daddy just received a huge promotion at work, in the city, in Melbourne. It has been a challenging year with Big Daddy completing his Masters Degree, taking on more responsibility at work and gigs most weekends, resulting in him being out of the house more than any of us would ideally like. At the same time, we are so proud of his accomplishments this past year, knowing that his hard work in progressing his career is what enables our family to function the way it does, with me at home caring for our children while they are young. I think this is a balance many families struggle to find at this stage of life.

With the knowledge that ‘Big Daddy’ will be in for a ‘Big Commute’ from our new rural home to his new job next year, I am focussed on working to accept more gracefully the nights where he will not be home before the kids’ bedtime, and to release my own expectations regarding the balance of shared parenting. I have been reading the second of Sarah Napthali’s books, Buddhism for Mothers of Young Children, and it has been immeasurably helpful. The lesson that attachment to a particular outcome is what causes us pain/hurt/discomfort is such a strong sentiment for me. This is a lesson I am learning now, in many different ways, throughout my days as a mother. When the children are exhibiting challenging behaviour and pushing the boundaries (for example, Master C and Little Man J decided last week it would be good fun to both whip off their pants and wee all over J’s cot while I was in the next room hanging laundry – trigger mummy meltdown!), I am battling my impulses to react by recognising that my anger is a manifestation of my resistance to the reality of the present moment. I have a long way to go to master these lessons, but it gives me an anchor to cling to when I am struggling, and an ideal to work toward. And these lessons certainly help to put things in perspective.

The resources which have supported my journey of self development these past few months have been enormously helpful. Reading is a great love of mine, and in addition to the Complete Buddhism for Mothers series, I have also recently finished Mothering Without a Map.  A very kind friend gifted me with attendance at an excellent Mindfulness Workshop in Ocean Grove, which has re-energised a neglected meditation practice, and yoga continues to save me on those days when I feel like the world is getting the better of me. I’ve also put greater focus on ritual to support the cycles of creation and release that are inherent in our human experience (if you are interested in this, check out these New Moon and Full Moon rituals from Gaiam TV).

All in all, this is what has worked to keep me sane and striving to keep on top of life’s challenges. What will work for you may well be rather different. The point being that, when the going gets tough, we must be prepared to meet these challenges with courage and a few tools in our pocket. I am infinitely grateful to be able to realise that personal development is not a luxury but a necessity, particularly during times of struggle. Perhaps if I had not journeyed along the Waldorf path I wouldn’t see things that clearly and for this alone I am most grateful to have found Steiner education. The path toward good parenting is not done on auto-pilot. It is a path with potholes and sharp turns and bumpy stretches and how we equip ourselves to manage these moments with presence and equanimity will make all the difference to our children.

I hope that anyone reading this will understand the distance I have put between myself and this blog these past many months while I have placed my priorities with my family and myself. I have always sought to have this blog be a truthful representation of our journey, “good” and “bad”.  While I work myself back toward more active engagement with this blog, I thank you for your patience and goodwill.

With love,

Robyn